See other Writings from Rehab posts here.
I’m struggling with patience with myself and others. I am tired of this struggle — the struggle to stay positive, mindful, redirect my thoughts, and the struggle to stay positive and patient with those around me. I feel like I’m going back to old ways and becoming irritable. I know being alone doesn’t work for me. But being around so many people all the time is starting to wear on me, too. I’m a little afraid of the mindset I’ve been in… it’s easy to make excuses and justify when I’m irritated and impatient because I know just what will make it better in a few minutes. I’ve got to stop thinking that way though, because it’s no longer an option to go back to that. I’ve got nowhere to go, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. No one that will take me in when/if I’ve been drinking.
Then, I’m also struggling to understand why I’m fixated on getting another drink. It destroyed my family, my life, ME.
Guided meditation: I find myself outside — cool in the shade, warm in the sun. The breeze blows a breath of fresh air in my face. The sun warms my face, neck, hands, back & arms. My feet are stepping one in front of the other to an even beat. I ask my HP for guidance, strength, and peace, just for today. Another breeze blows in my face to remind me that my HP is listening. My feet keep the steady beat as I repeat my mantra in my head to ingrain it into my subconscious. I think of all the things I’m grateful for and practice a few deep inhales and exhales and picture all the good energy flowing in and the negative energy flowing out.
9PM: Well, the day finished a lot better than it began. The weather cleared up and this afternoon/evening was gorgeous. R came back, and it was awesome to see her. R is like a breath of fresh air. Her, F, and M are my favorites. They all give me hope.
New people are starting to open up, and it reminds me of where I came from. I’m keeping this journal to remember where I came from. I forgot the last time and I don’t want to forget this time because it will lead me right back to treatment. And I never want to come back here again. I want a better life for myself and those around me. What a relief it will be for the day that I DON’T think about alcohol.
I still want to figure out the reason behind my impatience with others.
5/26/17: Journaling prompt
If I could tell my younger-self anything, what would it be?
- You have an addictive personality
- You don’t need alcohol to fit in – in fact – you don’t need to ‘fit in’ at all
- You will become an alcoholic if you don’t learn how to control this now — or quit altogether
- You will end up losing jobs, money, friends, and family if you continue relying on alcohol
- Keep faith in God
- Keep running!!! (**Side-note**: I was a competitive runner and in high school/college I would consistently run 5-6 minute miles and 5-10 miles at a time. I lose my breath running a few blocks, now.)
- Don’t be afraid to make new friends
- It’s never OK to drink and drive
I had a fairly good meeting with D today. I say fairly, because I realized my court date is June 12 — not the 22nd — like I originally thought. Part of me is actually glad it’s sooner because that means my consequences will become known and dealt with sooner. But the other part of me is really scared… the police report hasn’t been filed yet, I haven’t officially quit my job yet (so I still technically have an income) and it’s too much to qualify for a public defender and worry about all this. There’s really not a whole lot I can do while I’m in here anyway, plus I have to sign up for a LINK card again & state insurance. But again, I still technically have a job and health insurance through work, so there’s not much I can do about that either…. fuck.
The last couple days have been, overall, really good. My aunt and uncle came to visit Saturday — we had a good visit. They opened my eyes to the fact that it isn’t just me going through this, it’s hard for everyone. All along I’ve known this, but having them say it (ie. not from my mom or dad or counselor) was eye-opening. I was caught up in ME and it made me realize (again) this is not all about me — other people are affected by my addiction. They gave me some words of encouragement which is always nice.
The only thing I didn’t like was that they brought up that I can’t drink and drive. Like, DUH, I know that. I know it doesn’t look like I know that, considering what’s happened, but I definitely know that is not okay in any way, shape, or form. I just wish people could stop mentioning things like that to me because trust me, I’ve said it to myself a million bazillion times in my head already.
Yesterday (Memorial Day) went really well, too. Instead of walking the Labyrinth, Miranda took us out to play softball. It was a ton of fun. For a few minutes, I felt normal. (Also — Friday night game night was a BLAST — we played a dance game on the Wii and it was hilarious. H got really into it and it was so funny.) Then F surprised us with a movie and ice cream. We watched “Love Isn’t Enough” told from the perspective of Bill W.’s wife, Lois, who started Al-Anon. The movie was really good, it was almost sickening to see how drunk Bill would get… promising to stop drinking and continuing to get annihilated.
The weather has been gorgeous and I’m glad we’ve been able to spend a good amount of time outside.
Tonight my parents came for a family meeting. I read my Goodbye Letter to alcohol and my letter to my HP, and my dad was crying. We were all sobbing. It was so difficult to share these things with them, but I’m so glad I did. It took a lot of weight off my shoulders, and they told me not to worry about holidays, rides, sober living, etc. I think they understand how hard this is for me, even if it’s just understanding that today.
J is leaving Thursday and I don’t know what I’m going to do without her. We talk about real stuff that isn’t related to recovery, which is a nice change of pace.
OK — now were in the present tense — today, April 14, 2018.
I remember that meeting with my parents and my counselor at Rosecrance. I remember it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, stomped on, and put back in upside-down. It took me a while to get through the letters I read to them, because my sobs were heavy and I couldn’t catch my breath. I hate to say this, but the feeling I had when my parents came in for that meeting, was worse than attending my Grandma’s funeral.
On the note of my Grandma, I truly believe she is part of the concept of a higher power I have come to believe in today. I SO SO SO SOOOOOOO wish my Grandma could be around today, for a couple reasons. One is that I strongly dislike the woman my Grandpa has chosen to spend time with — she is money hungry and selfish and she calls my 78-year old Grandpa ‘fat’ (YOU NEVER SPEAK TO MY GRANDPA OR ANY MEMBER OF MY FAMILY LIKE THAT, EVER), and two is that I believe my Grandma and I would be really close today. Growing up, I was always annoyed with my grandparents’ sloppy kisses and overbearing hugs, but now, I appreciate them. My Grandma was truly a woman with wild dreams and crazy personality. She put herself through nursing school in the 1960s and refused to marry my Grandpa until she graduated. She became a nurse, and for a while, was the breadwinner of the family. She was caring and gentle at times, but boisterous and wild at other times. Sometimes we rolled our eyes, but looking back, I WISH I could tell her how much I love her and how much I look up to her for empowering herself and being a woman of strong conviction. She never said anything she didn’t mean, and sometimes she said things bluntly and brashly, but that was just my Grandma. Some of my favorite memories with her are doing cartwheels in the grass, picking apples from the apple tree in my Grandparents’ backyard, receiving the world’s greatest back-scratch from her, going up north to the cabin, and her prancing around, gleefully playing the accordion. Oh my God do I miss her.
Anyway, having that family meeting with my parents was heartbreaking, but necessary. We needed to heal, all of us. My parents needed to heal from the trauma of constantly worrying if I would make it, and I needed to heal from all the trauma of addiction, psych wards, legal problems, berating myself, allowing myself to be used and abused, ugh.. the list goes on. That meeting was the very, very beginning of the healing process for us (well, for me, I can only speak for myself). But I think it was the first time they truly saw how desperate I was to get better — how serious I was about changing my life once and for all. How done I was with all the chaos and destruction and terror. And I think that allowed them to have a small, very tiny, sense of peace. Which was better than overwhelming dread and fear of days, months, and years previous.
I went to lunch with my lovely parents today, and gosh, I just love them so much. I love my family so much. Hell, I love my friends so much. and I love MYSELF so much! What a fucking change from a year ago. It brings a sense of solace to know I have wonderful, amazing, strong, BEAUTIFUL people surrounding me and rooting for me. Shit, I am so grateful today and I’m grateful to have gratitude today.
Thanks for reading!