I don’t know what exactly is going on tonight, but I have a million thoughts racing through my mind, and all of them I feel like I have to action, right fucking now.
The last couple days I’ve found myself with no filter. No holding back on what I’m thinking. This includes at work, at sober living house, at volleyball practice, and in my blog. Also includes the internal conversation that’s going on and on…. and on… in my head.
I have so many ideas, and I feel like they’re all great ideas. I am not sleeping well, I feel like all of my opinions are valid. I am seriously wondering if I am bi-polar… now that I’ve been sober for almost a year, I feel like this would be something I need to bring up to my doctor.
Sometimes I can sleep… sleep for 14, 16 hours at a time. And when I do, I’m perfectly OK with it. It’s not like I’m ‘depressed’ in the sense of hopeless, bleak outlook on life. I am just down… down in energy, exhausted easily, and always ready to go to bed.
Other times, I’m like I am today. I’m literally wild. I can’t stop thinking, doing, talking, typing, working, checking my Instagram and LinkedIn (besides WordPress, those 2 outlets are the only social media I participate in). I feel like all my ideas are good and that everyone should hear them. Then, I talk myself into telling bosses, friends, house managers, parents, roommates, EVERYONE my opinion because I feel like they would be better off knowing what I’m thinking. (What I’m getting at is a sense of grandiose-ness). I don’t sleep very much, or if I do sleep, I’m up and down, and lay awake at night with thoughts racing so fast through my brain I can’t even finish one thought before another one starts.
When I’m ‘up’ like this, I’m easily irritable, and, like I said earlier, I have a reduced ability to determine whether or not others actually want to hear what I have to say or if my ideas are even OK to just blurt out. I don’t want to eat much. I hone in on annoying things like plastic bags crinkling and people tapping their fingers and loudness of voices. I actually dread going to bed because I have so many things to do, stemming from the thousands of to-do lists forming in my head so fast I can’t keep up.
For the last 4-5ish months, I’ve had one ‘down’ cycle, and now this ‘up’ cycle. During the down cycle, I slept until 3-4 PM both days on the weekend, I would take any chance I could get to lay in bed and watch Netflix. I was content without bringing new ideas to my bosses. I was content with my recovery program, I had more patience with myself and others.
Now, in my ‘up’ cycle, I have zero patience, no filter, little to no appetite, and I find myself avoiding bed/sleep. I clean & cook like there’s literally no tomorrow, and reach out to old acquaintances that I haven’t talked to in months or even years. I tend to spend more money, and I make stupid decisions that I later regret and beat myself up about. I mean, one good thing that comes out of this, is I feel a need to revitalize my recovery program and so I read literature, talk to other women in my program, and dive in full-force to whatever is going on in my recovery community… but, it’s like, obsessive.
There’s no middle ground. I’m up, or I’m down. I sleep, or I don’t. I blurt out my ideas and thoughts, or I hold it all in. I’m 100% or I’m 0%. It’s black or white. No grey… no fucking grey area.
Knowing what I know about bi-polar, these are some classic signs.
Now, I don’t know if the fact that I’m on an anti-depressant and take as-needed anxiety medication (which I’ve been taking about 1x every other day lately because my anxiety/edginess/irritability is THROUGH THE ROOF) has anything to do with this shit right now. There’s a lot of other factors at play here that make me wonder…:
- The weather is getting nicer (verrrrrrryyyy slowly, but it’s happening)
- The days are getting longer
- I’m getting closer to one whole year sober every minute
- I have a new job that I am bound and determined to kick ass at
- I’ve been literally feeling like a rockstar lately — my positive affirmation has been ‘you’re a rockstar’
- I’m making plans to move out on my own
- I don’t have much time to just sit and listen to what the Universe is trying to tell me.
Family members that are reading this: I am NOT at risk of doing anything REAL stupid here, like drinking. I don’t want to drink, I don’t want to taste or smell alcohol, I don’t want to be woozy from the side-effects of the initial euphoria, I want absolutely nothing to do with it. The thought of alcohol is actually making my stomach turn as I type this. I just want to know if what I’m feeling is normal or is something that I need to tone down with medication, or if I need to deal with these feelings through therapy. Luckily, I have both a doctor appointment and therapy appointment this week, so I won’t have to wait too long to get my questions answered.
And that leads me to exactly what my questions are… which inculde… Is this normal? Do recovering alcoholics/addicts feel super energized and almost manic at this point? Do I need extra therapy or different medications or no medications? AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING?
Y’all know my mantra is ‘just do the next right thing’… I need to know (ehem… Universe) if I’m doing that. I need some reassurance, especially when I’m feeling a bit crazy like today.
I think I offended our Marketing person at work this week.
Ok, here’s the thing. Uuuughhh, so I just don’t think she comes up with enough social media shit to post. Like, I follow a bunch of designers, builders, companies, etc. on LinkedIn and Instagram, and they post like every day, if not multiple times per day. That’s a lot of content — and someone is behind all that content; creating, editing, copying and pasting, filtering, scheduling, and clicking ‘post’. I don’t want to take over the content creating and posting, but I want to help… I want to contribute.
We post like…. mayyyybeee once a week. I went to a seminar when I was at the trade show in January, and I heard a statistic that was somewhere along the lines of ‘companies that get the most click-throughs and [whatever else] that leads to sales and ROI on social media, send emails [at least once a day or more] to their customers’. –Ok so I really paraphrased that quote, but I remember my jaw dropped when I heard the statistic.
We run into this little issue all the time at trade shows and conferences, etc., where people literally don’t know what the hell we do. They know we make beautiful wood components… but they don’t know what the wood components are for. They struggle connecting the dots from an unfinished wood component to a beautiful kitchen or bathroom or furniture piece. Soooo…. we need to communicate this, and we need to be NEW SCHOOL about this which is… social media!
I came up with a few campaign ideas recently, and because my bosses have encouraged me to be open about my new ideas, I gather some data, and put together a little presentation to email them, and I show them what my ideas are.
In the last couple weeks… I’ve come up with ideas that range from showing our components in a different ‘light’ (like, literally, a different light — meaning I take pictures in a really dark room with a spotlight on the product, because all our individual component pictures are boring), to a ‘get to know us’ campaign. I even came up with the name for the campaign and a hashtag. I also started making little videos and animations of our new stuff (which I posted here). Here’s an example of the different light thing I was talking about:
OK — so the Marketing girl at my work just had her second child in December. She’s married and has a whole family to go home to. She’s not much older than me, but she’s got a lot more ‘adult’ responsibilities that I, currently, don’t have.
I mention that detail because I sense a bit of… I don’t know… jealousy? Envy, maybe? that I have a lot of time and energy to devote to work, and therefore, I have the time to create and innovate and come up with new ideas, and maybe she doesn’t have the time and the energy to do so? I mean, we are in the middle of completely revamping our website, and she’s leading that project, so I know she’s consumed with that…
In my position as E-Commerce Development Manager, I am absolutely invested in our marketing efforts! Without marketing, and good, stand-out marketing, the internet would not see and buy our products. So I feel it is part of my job to ensure our marketing, especially social media marketing, is competitive, on-par, and eye-catching.
Me and Marketing girl should work together, it’s in our best interest to do so. But I feel a push-back from her… and I’ve noticed that all my content and ideas have been placed on the backburner.
Which, honestly, is fine with me. Like, whatever, the images and ideas I’m coming up with can wait.
AND, it doesn’t stop me from posting my stuff on MY personal Instagram and LinkedIn. So, things like the images and animations, I end up posting on my own pages because I’m frustrated and impatient waiting for Marketing girl to publish through our company pages. I’m afraid to go ahead and post something like the ‘get to know us’ idea on my personal page, so I’m trying, oh so hard, to be patient, and wait until the time is right to bring that idea up again.
The thing is… my boss gets super excited about it and offers to pay for classes, subscriptions, and throws out her own ideas pertaining to the new things I bring to the table. Then, it gets passed off to Marketing girl, and then it remains stagnant… for weeks, months. So, I pick it back up, and where appropriate, post it on my own page, and guess what? I get our customers reaching out to me saying ‘hey! where and when can I get this’… BINGO. ROI on social media marketing right there.
Ok, so after all of this rambling and ranting and raving and venting, I am trying to bring myself back down to Earth and stay focused on doing the next right thing. What can I do today or this week about all of this stuff I talked about? Well, for one, I will go to my doctor and therapist appointments, and I will be honest with them. I hope they understand what I will be trying to communicate.
Ya know, it’s really not easy for me to go to a doctor and say what I’m feeling, because for a long time I exaggerated or downplayed what I was feeling to get whatever result I wanted. So, this time, I’m going to be honest and straight-forward and assertive — meaning, I’m dealing with something that’s distracting and interrupting my life (mania and ‘down’ cycles) and try to understand if I need to deal with this through medication or therapy, and realistically, probably both.
For two, I can keep putting one foot in front of the other, at a steady pace. Not sprinting, not dragging my feet, but a brisk walk. Keep getting things done, but not forcing my ideas and whatever else on other people.
For three, I can keep talking to my support group about how I’m feeling.
Lastly, I will stay empowered. I will stay empowered to keep my life on track… meaning, I am empowered today to not give in to alcohol. My life is so much bigger, better, and more meaningful, and I’m fully dedicated to keeping it that way.
If you made it to this point in my post, I want to congratulate you. Thank you for reading.