I had an appointment with a new therapist yesterday. So far, so good. I really like her. She is kind and very empathetic, and it feels like she really understands what I’m going through, which I guess is her job, so good on her LOL.
So, here’s how my Saturday went.
I woke up from a horrible dream, completely drenched in sweat, around 5 AM. My dream was that I was fired from my current job as Online Marketplace Manager, and I had to go back to work for Rockwell Automation (RA for short, and usually I wouldn’t use actual names of places, but I really don’t care). In this dream, I kept having to tell myself “I don’t work for [current company] anymore, I work for RA again.”
Working for RA was soul-crushing. It was dog-eat-dog, and a man’s world at RA. There was little to no room for creativity, and I would come home from work every day like “this is what life is like now…”
Anyway, so the dream stems from my irrational fear of getting fired on the spot at my job. My mom put my mind at ease earlier this week, saying “you know, it’s kind of hard for a company to just up and fire someone these days,” and I thought, “yeah, she’s right,” and besides, I have given them pretty much nothing to fire me over anyway…
So yeah, I wake up from this dream, come back to reality about having a really depressing week, remember that I have a therapy appointment later in the day.
I hear my cat making all these really strange noises… coughing, sneezing, and she’s breathing out of her mouth. I think, ‘shit, that’s really not good,’ but I just hold her for a few minutes and fall back asleep.
I wake back up around 9 AM to the vet calling to confirm my cats’ appointment on Monday. Half asleep, I’m just like ‘yeah, we’ll be there,’ and then I doze off again.
My mom calls shortly after and this time I’m like, alright time to get up. I tell my mom about Torti mouth-breathing, and she encourages me to hang up and call the vet.
I call the vet back and say “I have an appointment on Monday but I don’t think we can wait. My cat is not doing well.” They ask, “is she breathing out of her mouth?” I say “yes,” and they say, “you need to get her here as fast as you can.”
I look outside and it’s literally snowing sideways. It’s right in the middle of the worst winter storm of the year in Chicago, not just snowing like crazy, but super windy and very cold.
I start to bundle up, get the kitties in the kitty stroller, and we set out on our way.
I have to carry the stroller half of the 5-block walk because the snow is so thick that the wheels won’t roll. The wind is blowing the stroller all over the sidewalk when I try to roll it. Not much has been shoveled yet, and the street corners are slushy puddles. It was a tremendous struggle trying to get the cats to the vet.
I looked like a crazy lady with a stroller in the middle of a snowstorm and people were probably like “what the hell is that lady doing with a baby out in the blizzard?” SURPRISE! It’s not a baby, but 2 babies of the feline kind and it’s an emergency so fuck off!!
We get to the vet and I’m soaking wet, from both sweat and trudging through 6-12 inches of snow, sludge, and snow drifts. My feet are soaking wet and freezing cold.
We get back into the exam room and they were like “ok, well she is not dying but severely congested and we’re going to get her fixed up.”
Another $200 later and now I have two sick kittens that I have to get back home.
So, that’s $400 I spent at the vet this week.
Then, I get home and I have to get to my therapy appointment with my new therapist. I thought about canceling more than once because trudging through the blizzard again did not sound like my cup of tea. But, I knew I really needed to go and I would continue to feel guilty and depressed if I canceled, so I mustered up the energy, got some dry leggings, socks, and boots, and headed out again.
I get to the place where I’m now going for therapy and the office is absolutely beautiful. I walked in and there was NO ONE in sight and all the lights were off besides the one directly over the door. I walk around like, “hello…???” and I didn’t get any answer but I was about 15 minutes early.
There was a grocery store right across the street and I decide to go get something to eat because I realize it’s almost 2 PM and I was starving cuz I hadn’t had any time to eat yet. I grab some food, and come back right at 2 and this woman comes out and introduces herself and then we head back to her office.
Since it’s the first appointment, we had to sign forms and blah blah blah and the whole time I’m feeling some serious word vomit coming on.
She says “so the first 3 appointments are usually an assessment about what brought you here,” and I don’t interrupt her, but at the first chance to say something I say “ok, well I really don’t want to focus too much on my past, I will fill out a permission form for you to get that information from my previous therapist, I really need to talk about what’s going on right now, today.” She says, “ok,” and we’re off to the races.
After venting for about 25-30 minutes about everything that’s been going on for the last couple months, it’s no wonder I was out of commission this week. I told her how this week all I wanted to do was lay horizontally, and after I told her everything, she said, “after everything you just told me, it’s no wonder your body just needed a break, can you see why you just couldn’t get yourself up and running this week?” and I was like… “hmmm… yeah that’s a good point.”
It helped alleviate some of my guilt for laying around as much as I could last week, and helped me realize that I probably should’ve taken some pre-planned vacation time after the holidays to regather and recoup myself.
We talk a lot about the big big thing on my mind, which is potentially telling my employer about my anxiety, and mainly, my depression, that is mostly kept at bay with medication and coping skills, but sometimes gets the best of me. It’s been about 2 years since I fell into the type of depression that I was in this week, so it’s not like it happens all that often, but when it does happen, I don’t want to feel the shame and the guilt I felt this week for making ‘excuses’ to take a couple days off work, I’d rather just be honest and work something out that is mutually beneficial.
She made some suggestions, but, I had this weird hope that she would just tell them, instead of me having to have a conversation with them, but of course, that’s not how it’s going to work and I am going to have to tell them myself.
I told her my fears about what they might think… thinking that maybe I’m not that dependable, capable, or that I think I deserve special treatment or that I’m requesting special treatment. She made a good point and said, “it sounds like those are YOUR fears, and although they might think those things, you know there is nothing you can do to control what or how they are going to think and react.”
She’s exactly right and I hate that I can’t control what they are going to think.
Ultimately, I want to tell them because I would feel better and I would feel relieved getting it off my chest. I don’t like hiding something like this from people I care about and people who care about me, and people who depend on me.
She made some good recommendations for what I could say, like “if this happens again, I will get my work done, but it just might not be during traditional work hours and I might need an extra day or two,” which is exactly true because when I was depressed like I was this week, it was hard to face the daylight and I felt much better and more productive when the darkness fell, and that’s when I felt like I would be able to work and get things done. And, I don’t think it’s too much to ask for an extra day or two to get things done when my usual turn-around time for various projects is like, ASAP, so yeah.
I just have to think carefully about how I’m going to word it because I am most fearful that they will think I am requesting special treatment or think that I think I deserve special treatment, which I don’t want, but ultimately, if I’m not mentally healthy, everything is all outta whack.
My therapist and I also talked about the relationship issues with guys I’ve had lately.
I was seeing this one guy, E, for about a month, and it came to an abrupt end this week.
I had reservations about E from the very beginning, I honestly don’t know why I kept hanging out with him. I think he thought he had me wrapped around his pinky finger which he most certainly did not.
I could see through his manipulative and self-absorbed ways right away; again, I don’t know why I wasted my time on this guy.
Well, on Monday of last week, we were on the phone and I really had no intentions on talking about the status of our relationship because up until that point, our conversations somehow always ended with talking about the status of our relationship and I just wasn’t up for it that day.
On Monday, I was so anxious I threw up. I was beginning to feel the depression coming on, and I was feeling just so down. I just wanted to talk.
Well, he starts talking about the status of our relationship and says something along the lines of “I like spending time with you and I think you’re a great person, but I don’t see us working out long-term.” I’m like, ok, well then I have no interest in continuing to see you anymore because A.) I already had reservations and now those reservations have been confirmed and, B.) no one is getting any younger here and I don’t have time for guys who just want a fuck buddy. I have zero interest in that, and now, I don’t even want to continue developing any sort of relationship with you because you “don’t see us working out long-term,” and frankly, I didn’t see it either or whatever.
I got pretty angry with him, and it honestly felt good to get angry with someone and kind of let loose on them. I hadn’t raised my voice like that towards anyone in years and I feel a little bit bad about it, but not bad enough to warrant an apology after what he said to me…
He goes “you should be grateful I’m telling you this now and not stringing you along, like I could be,” like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I should be grateful that you’re not being a shitty person?! FUCK OFF!! No one is going to tell me what I should and should not be grateful for ESPECIALLY when it comes to just being a decent fucking human being.
He kept putting words into my mouth, telling me I was feeling fearful and scared that “he was distracting me and taking my focus of my goals,” like…. No, I wasn’t feeling fearful or scared because I do have room and the capacity to both be in a relationship with someone I care about AND continue working towards my goals and remain focused on work and shit.
I just had had it with him putting words into my mouth and spewing bull shit and I promptly hung up on him the minute he continued to try and put more words into my mouth.
So that happened.
Ok, so now, back up a few weeks, or I guess a year.
Last year around this time I was dating this guy, I don’t remember what I called him back then in this blog or even if I used a name for him, but from this point forward I’m going to call him Simon.
Simon and I met when I was about 90 days sober at an AA meeting. It was honestly one of those “love at first sight” moments, and even in the lack of self-confidence at 90 days sober, I went up to him and started a conversation, continued the conversation after the meeting, and got his number.
We became good friends, dated for a while, broke up, dated again, broke up again, and then didn’t talk to each other for 9 months. We stopped talking in about May of 2018 until he randomly texted me on my birthday, Dec 30 2018.
I was shocked when I got his text, and of all days, on my birthday.
He came over that night and we talked for like 5 hours straight catching up on all that had happened in the last 9 months.
When we stopped talking in May, I was still living in sober living and I had all these goals to get my own place, make more money, get pets, and other things.
Having him come over to my apartment on my birthday was cool because he was like “wow, the last time we talked you were just talking about all of this and look at you now, you’re actually doing it!” and I was like, “hell yeah I am!”
He told me about some things he had been dealing with, and one of them was starting to participate in the SLAA program, or Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous, because he felt like he was unable to have a healthy relationship due to sex or whatever.
He was telling me what his SLAA sponsor was making him do… and the whole time he’s telling me, I’m like, “well that’s just totally unnatural and unreasonable.” I’m not going to go into a lot of detail about what he had to do to make his SLAA sponsor happy, but the whole time he was talking about it, I could tell that what he was saying were just things that people told him that he needed to do, not what he actually thought he needed to do.
Well, about a week later, Simon had completely stopped texting me back and I knew what happened – he told his SLAA sponsor he had come over to my apartment, and his SLAA sponsor reprimanded him for talking to me and seeing me and required him to A.) cease all communication with me, and B.) write me this bogus letter.
I get the letter in the mail with no return address so I couldn’t write him back. When I got the letter, I knew he would’ve blocked me on his phone so there was no use in even texting him. But the letter made me mad and sad at the same time… the words on the page were clearly written with someone standing over his shoulder telling him exactly what to write. The words were not his… the words were so not true and it broke my heart even more. Not the first time this guy has broken my heart.
SOOooooo….. yesterday, after I get home from my therapy appointment, after I had just talked to her about these stupid guys and these stupid relationship issues and even cried a few tears over the bogus letter I got from Simon, guess who texts me…. SIMON.
In his letter, he had told me not to acknowledge any communication he would ever try to have with me. Of course, I ignored it and I texted back like “Hi. According to your letter I’m not supposed to acknowledge you,” and he was like, “yeah I know I was really hoping you would text me back,” we continued texting for a while and then he drops this on me and it made my heart burst and hurt and the same time…
“the truth is I miss you so much and I want to be with you.”
Like… I have been waiting for an entire year to hear those words. Even though I’ve dated around since Simon, the feelings I had for Simon never went away. Things just felt right with Simon. I felt like when I hugged him, we fit together like pieces of a puzzle. I felt more comfortable around him than I had around any other man in probably 10 years.
I was super hesitant because of everything that had happened between us leading up to this point. So I thought to myself, ‘proceed with caution…’
So, I said “I feel like we need to talk about this,” and he agreed to come over and have a chat with me.
We talked for several hours about how we felt about each other, and realistically, how it could work between us, and how both of us have not lost any feelings for each other since we first met.
Basically, and I don’t know or care if this was the right thing to say or not, but after we had cleared the air and talked about all the sappy, emotional stuff, I said “well, I’m basically ready whenever you are, and I have been for a while.”
We switched gears and started listening to music and joking around. We both felt like going for a walk in the blizzard. I live a couple blocks away from the lake and we bundled up and headed down by the lake to watch the snow and the waves crash in.
It was a glorious, exhilarating moment… after the week I just had… full of depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, fear, anger… and to wrap up the week feeling like the life was breathed back into me… standing on the beach in the freezing, bitter cold, watching a blizzard come down and the waves crash in and freeze on the beach, standing with someone who I have NO reservations about, someone I know cares for me and respects me the way I care for him and respect him… what a great way to get back to life.